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Building Self-Confidence & Emotional Bonds With Children "…. a successful life is not the absence of failure. Self-confidence requires that we face the possibility of failure." By: Michael G.
Conner, Psy.D, Clinical, Medical & Family Psychologist Comprehensive Resources: www.CrisisCounseling.Com Every child is driven to live and learn. Building self-confidence and emotional bonds with your child are two of the most important things you can do. The confidence and bonds you help build will help shape your child’s future. Face Challenges and Ordeals Together For an infant with a tummy ache, the presence and touch of their parent will build an emotional bond. These bonds grow when parents remain close and supportive as their children face fearful objects, situations or events. The fears that children are allowed to face should be based their ability to benefit. Examples of situations that might benefit small children would be the dark, other adults, certain animals, noises, the beach, or other children. For older children it might be going camping, getting in a small boat, walking home at night because the car won’t start, losing power in the house, singing in a school play, or living in a neighborhood that is unfriendly or even violent. I’m not suggesting that you live in a violent place, but a scary environment can build strong emotional bonds – especially when parents are present and supportive. Children experience fears that can be described as a challenge or an ordeal. A challenge is a fearful experience that is usually brief and a child can usually "deal with" successfully. A productive challenge will result in some degree of learning or success. In contrast to a challenge, an ordeal is a fearful experience that is prolonged and a child must "endure" successfully. The benefit of "enduring" an event is the realization that "I can get through it." Parents must also walk a fine line. On the one hand they want their child to face and overcome reasonable challenges. On the other hand, they should not allow their child to face any challenge or an ordeal that will be traumatic and have a lasting emotional impact. A word of caution. Parents should consider how many fearful events a child can endure and learn from. A child can only deal with so much. Children who live in near constant fear develop what is called escape and avoidance behavior. They may become insensitive to fear, emotionally unstable, over reactive, withdraw from reality, or become clingy, dependent and distrusting. A series of stressful events can add up to a traumatic experience. Create Opportunities for Success and Small Failures A successful life is not just the absence of failures. Self-confidence requires that we face the possibility of failure. A successful life is the presence of success and our ability to learn from our failures. In order to build self-confidence, children must experience success and have more opportunities to succeed than to fail. Keep in mind that failures should be small, not traumatic and they should teach your child something useful. It is a parent’s responsibility to insure that children learn from their failures. If you want your child to feel self-confident, you should also pay attention to your interactions. For instance, how often do you recognize your child being successful? How often do you notice your child when they are doing something wrong? Even the worst behaved children are successful and positive 80% of the time. You are probably building emotional bonds and self-confidence if you are recognizing or bringing attention to four positive and successful behaviors for every negative behavior you point out. A word of caution. Children usually don’t learn when they are upset, defensive or angry. These are not what psychologists call "teachable moments." Most of the time it is better to talk to children when they are calm, clear headed and a little more open minded. There is no harm in waiting until there is a teachable moment, as long as you eventually approach your child and create an opportunity to learn. Repeated attempts to force a child to see your point of view will usually teach that child to become pushy, oppositional and defiant when they get bigger. Reward the Intention and Not Just the Result Many books and experts on parenting recommend the use of rewards and reinforcements when raising children. The idea is to reward new and wanted behavior each time until the behavior becomes reliable. Then you reward and reinforce this behavior less frequently - but still in a manner that your child values. However, self-confidence is not the result of being rewarded by others. True self-confidence grows when we do the right thing and feel good because we did it. Children should feel good inside for the choices and actions we take. It is very important to reward, praise and reinforce your child’s intensions and the reasons they do anything. Outcomes are important, but so are the reasons and our intentions. The best way to help your child is to talk about your intensions and the reasons that you do something. This means you should even talk about your intensions when you make mistakes. A word of caution. If you are angry or upset, one of the worst things you can do is ask your child why they did something they should not have done. If you think there may be no good reason, then don’t ask. Asking a child to reveal "stupidity", "insensitivity" or "selfishness" when you are also angry will only teach your child to stop thinking before they act. Nothing good will come out of telling a child, "That’s not a good reason!" The next time you ask they may say, "I don’t know." It is far better to focus on what you want them to do. Ask about the reason later when you are both calm and you feel like teaching and not punishing. Dr. Conner is a clinical, medical and family psychologist who completed a research and training fellowship in graduate medical education and health education. He provides training, evaluation and intervention services for adults, families and youth. He is Board Certified in Traumatic Stress, Emergency Crisis Intervention and Emergency School Response.. This article is also available at www.CrisisCounseling.Com. Dr. Conner’s practice is located in Bend Oregon and he can be reached at 541 388-5660 or or www.Education-Options.Com Copyright 2002, Michael G. Conner |